NFL Week 9

NFL Week 9

Matt Driffill

Anybody who wants to say they know anything about the NFL is full of shit. I fancy myself a pretty serious sports fan, football especially, and I am no longer able to make any predictions with any confidence whatsoever. In the last three weeks we saw the Raiders take down the Eagles, the Panthers defeat the Cardinals, and the Giants losing three times in a row.

It’s not absurd, but it’s close. The Eagles lost to the Raiders than struggled against the lowly Redskins. What do they do the next week? How about blow the Giants off the field? The Raiders on the other hand come off a big win then get blown out by the Hott Diggoty Dogg and the Jets.

The Cardinals were riding a nice win streak against quality opponents whilst the Panthers looked like one of the league’s premier bottom feeders. So naturally, in Arizona, the Panthers rolled them.

So if you know what the hell is going on, please let me know. And I don’t mean that I’m completely off. I’m above .500 on picks for the year and most of predictions are still in place to be right, I’m just fascinated that we’re seeing the idea that any team can win on any given day. It’s what makes football the best sport from a fan’s standpoint.

I’m equally fascinated that the story tha5 Tom Cable is in fact Bill Romanonski still hasn’t been broken yet. Now more than ever it seems as if Ol’ Bill might actually be Big Tom. Maybe I’m just a huge nerd, but do you think it’s possible that there’s a split-personality thing going on here kinda like Smeagle from Lord of the Rings. I think so or perhaps something along the lines of Me, Myself, and Irene,

“Splitting Time” A short story.

Tom Cable stands on the sidelines trying to encourage his quarterback through a microphone.

**Note, Tom and Bill are the same character**

Tom: Alright Jamarcus, just drop back and throw it to the hot read.

Jarmarcus: No Problem coach! I’ll make you proud!

Tom: I know you will kid.

Bill: But if you don’t just remember what I’ve done to not one, but two of my ex-wives.

Jamarcus: My memory’s a little fuzzy, what’d you do?

Tom: Oh nothing, just a little spat. Every married couple deals with it.

Bill: I bashed her fucking skull in.

Jamarcus: What the fuck?

Tom: Oh me. Sometimes I like to say things that aren’t real. Ha Ha, right?

Bill: I’m as real as an assistant’s broken jaw.

Ed Hoculi: Delay of game. On the offense, number 2.

Jamarcus: Shit coach you distracted me again!

Bill: THAT’S IT!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I’M CALLING THE SHOTS!!!

Jamarcus: ….what?

Tom: Please don’t bully me again. I can’t take it. Not right now.

Jamarcus: ….Coach?

Bill: Listen here boy. You go out there and throw it as far as you can, and I won’t punch you in the fucking head. Deal?

Jamarcus: uhhh Okay.

Bill: Don’t worry, he’s got it.

-------

Gus Johnson: And Russell drops back, looking, he lets it fly! Looking for ….wow. Russell’s ball landed in the third row of the stands

Steve Tasker: Did that go through the uprights?

Gus Johnson: I think that might have gone through the uprights.

-------

Tom: I don’t wanna say I told you so, but….

Bill: Are you fucking kidding me?!?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!

Jamarcus: You told me to drop back and throw it as far as I could.

Bill: Are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking retarded?

Jamarcus: But coach, you told me too…

Bill: Don’t sass me boy! Get your ass over here right now!!

Jamarcus jogs over to coach Cable.

Tom: I want to warn you, when you don’t play like a 1st overall pick another side of me comes out.

Jamarcus: I know coach. I’m sorry, but I was just doin’ what you tol-

Bill: “I was just doin’ what you told me! Wah Wah Wah!!!” How about you play like a fucking man!!!!

Jamarcus: I’m sorry coach, I can do better I swea-

Ed Hoculi: Delay of game. On the offense, number 2.

-------

Gus Johnson: I’ve seen dysfunction before, but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything like this.

Steve Tasker: Two delay of game penalties and a pass into the stands? This isn’t good. Even for Raiders standards.

Gus Johnson: I’m interested to see what coach Cable is going to dial up here.

-------

Tom: Okay, we just need to hit a long pass play and work from there.

Jamarcus: I can do it

Bill: Bullshit! You can’t do anything right you moron!!!

Jamarcus: Coach, you don’t have to be so mean, or bipolar.

Bill: What the fuck did you just say to me?

Tom: Oh god, we’re hulkin’ up. Goodbye Jamarcus….

Jamarcus: What? I’m confused.

Bill (Stares at Jamarcus with death in his eyes): Confused you say?

Jamarcus: Yeah coach, confused.

Bill: That’ll be the last emotion you will ever feel…

-------

Gus Johnson: OH MY GOD!!! STEVE!!! TOM CABLE IS PULVERIZING JAMARCUS RUSSELL!!!

Steve Tasker: Yeah you have to question this move. Aside from the recent violent accusations upon him, why wait until week 8 to do this when he’s been playing this poorly all season?

Gus Johnson: STEVE !! I THINK…… I THINK…. I THINK HE’S GONNA KILL HIM!!!

Steve Tasker: Yeah there is no harder position in sports.

Gus Johnson: OH MY WORD!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A COACH KILL WITH SUCH FEROCITY!!! WE ARE WITNESSING HISTORY FOLKS!!!

Steve Tasker: Yeah that was a good play.

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Ed Hoculi: Do we call a penalty for murder?

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Bill: You snot nose little punk!!! You’re dead!! Dead!!!!

Jamarcus: (Bloody and lifeless)

Bill: Oh shit.

Tom: Way to go Bill, now we’re probably off to jail.

Bill: Oh shit.

Tom: You’re such an idiot. Deb was right. You’re too violent for your own good.

Bill: Okay, maybe my emotions got the best of me there.

Darren McFadden: Yeah I’ll say….

Bill: What the fuck did you just say to me?!

Tom: Here we go again…

Close Curtain

And now onto the picks….

Last Week (5-8-0)

Season (63-51-1)

Home Teams in Bold

Jacksonville (-6.5) over Kansas City

I still don’t like the Jags, and I don’t know how they convince me to pick them every week. And I’m pretty sure that I lost last week in fantasy because of Maurice Jones Drew. That little shithead. But they are playing the Chiefs at home so I like them to cover 6. But if tomorrow were next year’s fantasy draft what would the first round look like?

1. • Adrian Peterson
2. • Maurice Jones-Drew
3. • Stephen Jackson
4. • Andre Johnson
5. • Chris Johnson
6. • Cedric Benson
7. • Peyton Manning
8. • Reggie Wayne
9. • Visanthe Shianchoe
10. • Heath Miller
11. • Vikings defense
12. • Drew Brees

…Or something like that…

Cincinnati (+3) over Baltimore

Baltimore’s on my shitlist for beating the Broncos last week and having quarterback who has no regard for landscaping.

Indianapolis (-9) over Houston

Indianapolis finally didn’t cover a spread. That doesn’t mean I’m going to start picking against them anytime soon, it just means I might look at their spreads a little closer. Or maybe even who they’re playing against. This week they take on the Houston Rednecks in a clash of the class of the AFC South. Colts are at home with the best quarterback in the league and the Texans are on the road with a bad road record this season. I like Indy by 10, but the game will be pretty close probably. The Texans are a lot better than I thought they were.

Atlanta (-10) over Washington

Washington sucks!! Washington sucks!! Say it with me ya’ll, Washington sucks!!! “I don’t care who ya play….as long as you’re playing the Redskins you’ll cover.” Washington sucks!!!

Green Bay (-10) over Tampa Bay

Chris Berman has dubbed this game the “Bay of Pigs Game.” I found that very clever and enjoy clever things. I also enjoy the city of Tampa Bay as it has been one of my family’s favorite vacation spots since I was a lad. I however do enjoy lousy football teams. That’s where the Buccaneer s come in. It’s a

Arizona (+3) over Chicago

This goes back to the whole “Nobody knows anything” argument. How could a team go on the road and beat the Giants then come back at home and get rear ended by the lowly Panthers? I just don’t understand. What I do understand is that the Bears are a tad overrated and I hate Gay Butler. Let’s go Cards!

New England (-11) over Miami

The winner of this game will win the AFC East. Unless, however, the Dolphins weasel their way to another victory. Then of course, the Patriots will still win the division. No offense to the Dolphins though, they are clearly the class of the 2nd place race in the AFC East as they have swept the Jets and defeated the Bills. I think there will likely be a wild card berth for the second place team here. New England 38; Miami 16

New Orleans (-13.5) over Carolina

Nawlawns is either the best, or second best, team in the league pending on how you think/who’s on your fantasy team. Carolina has been one of the worst teams all season but ended up beating the defending NFC champion Cardinals last week. The Panthers are surely a much better team when Delhomme recognizes which guys to thrown to and Panthers Steve Smith isn’t punching teammates faces in. Of course we all know they couldn’t go without either of those scenarios for more than a week. I like the Saints big as the keep marching on.

Detroit (+10) over Seattle

Go ahead, drop a “WTF” or “ZOMG” because I’m picking the team that just lost to the Rams. I get it. It’s just that a 10 point spread for Seattle seems like a stretch. They haven’t played well all year (save one game against the Jaguars) and don’t deserve a double digit spread unless they’re playing somebody from the big 10. ZING!

San Francisco (-4) over Tennessee

Frank Gore is back baby! Losing to the Colts by 4 in Indy is as good as losing by 4 to anyone anywhere as far as records go, but I’m sure there’s some moral victories down there for Coach Singletary and the boys. It’s as if the 49ers have had successful drafts every year. Alex Smith is slingin’ it, Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree are catchin’ it, Frank Gore is runnin’ it, and Patrick Willis is ranglin’ it down and humpin’ it into submission. F the Titans and Vince Young.

NY Giants (-5) over San Diego

I don’t see the Giants losing four in a row. It’s just not in the cards baby.

Dallas (+3) over Philadelphia

Game of the week and possible playoff matchup down the road. I predicted these two to by the top two teams in the NFC East this season, and I assumed the Cowboys would come out as the eventual division winner, but it starts here. Sure both of these teams have misfired a few weeks (PHI and OAK and a DAL vs KC scare), but really they have been good all year. People are quick to forget that the Cowboys only two losses this year came in Denver and against the Giants. And both were in dramatic fashion that the Cowboys could have won. Should be a good one!

Pittsburgh (-3) over Denver

The party has stopped. The Broncos schedule has been murderous over the last month and it doesn’t get easier when they have the privilege of taking on the defending champs. Yes the same defending champs that are on a solid win streak (including the rolling of the Chargers and the dismantling of the Vikings). Time for a little reverse jinxing. The Broncos might finish 6-10.

And...... Ya may have heard about the New York Yankees winning their championship last night. I won’t splooge it up too hard because us Yankee fans are already rejoicing and everybody else is cringing but I would like to say a few things...

--The Phillies are a great team, probably the second best team in the league, but the best team won. Since A-Rod returned in may the Yankees have been the best. Pitching, hitting, and bullpen. All the way around they were the best and most people knew it. They handled the pressure outstandingly and took home the title.

--The idea that Pettitte, Jeter, Posada, and Mo were able to win another title together is really a great story. In this era of free agency and no loyalty of athletes it’s amazing to see them stick together. I knew Pettite went to Houston for a few seasons, but he’s always been a Yankee and everybody knows it. This fifth title really cements their legacy and a group of Yankees who have their own place in history.

--So happy for Alex Rodriguez as well. I have always been quick to defend him when anybody jumps on him for any number of things people could jump on him for. Did he us steroids? Yes. Did he cheat on his wife? Probably. Has he been the best teammate? No. But the fact remains he is one of the most successful and most talented baseball players to ever play. In an era where nearly everybody was cheating his numbers still stood out as astronomical. He deserves this, and I can’t wait to see what his numbers will be like next year when he’s healthy, pressure free, and gets to play for a full season.

--Happy for Joe Girardi as well. He’s a great manager and already has found the ultimate baseball success in just his second season. There’s few jobs harder in sports than New York Yankees manager. Every season without a World Series trophy being hoisted at the end is considered a disappointment from top to bottom. After winning the division, the ALDS, and ALCS I still so some reports that Girardi could be fired if they didn’t win the WS because of his decision to go with a 3 man rotation. Turns out it was the good move and hopefully he has job security now, because they can’t win it every year.

--Peter Gammons said it best last night. “Mariano Rivera hasn’t won an award in the last 15 years, but he is the Cy Young and MVP over the last 15 years. Hands down the best relief pitcher of all-time.” Game 6 marked the eight year anniversary since Mariano blew his first postseason save against Loius Gonzalez and the Arizona Diamondbacks in game 7. That game ended the Yankee dynasty of the late 90’s, but it has come full circle. Some new faces, and some old, the Yankees have been in it until the end almost every year since then and finally have the monkey off their back.

--Super excited about next season already. We may lose Matsui or Damon, or maybe even both, but we’re still loaded elsewhere. Lineup changes should be minimal and maybe with an offseason to work Joba can establish himself as a reliable starter. And maybe Chien-Ming Wang can come back and be that ace starter that he was for the previous three years. I’ll let the championship hangover set in, but this seems like the type of squad that will go out and defend their title with an edge or an attitude and I can’t wait.

Trademark. SportsMeister